Make Your Garage Great Again

So, I want to tell you a story. And this happened to me just yesterday. I was driving through Philadelphia — beautiful city, really top notch — and this guy pulls up next to me. People stop me all the time. Seriously, all the time. People really love me, I’m not kidding.

But anyway, this guys says to me, “Trans Am? ’82? Man, I used to have one. Back when I owned a car I could be proud of. Back when I was a winner. Back when my garage was great!”

I said, “Oh, wait a minute. That’s terrible. Does anybody know this?”

He said, “Yeah, everybody knows it. I’m a loser now. We’re all losers now!”

And you know what, people? He’s right.

We don’t have victories anymore. We used to have victories. We used to be great! Nobody talks about it, but believe me, these are the facts. So now, you know what? Now, my whole theme is “Make Your Garage Great Again!” But you can’t be great if you drive a minivan. I’m sorry, folks. It’s sad. Really sad.

And by the way, I love minivans! They’re wonderful vehicles. I just sold a minivan for thousands and thousands of dollars. Trust me, I love minivans and I respect minivan drivers. I tell everybody!

But really people, we’re getting killed at green lights. We’re getting killed at stop signs. We’re getting killed on the highway. We’re getting killed everywhere. When was the last time we’ve won on anything? I mean, you know, it’s like crazy!

Now I’ve got people asking for a trade. Let me tell you, we’re getting killed on trade. So no, no trade. I’m going to sell. But I’m not in a rush to sell. I’m not even really talking about it. I don’t care. I’m really rich. I mean, really rich. I’m not saying that to brag, because you know what? I don’t have to brag. I don’t have to, believe it or not.

But I know the smartest mechanics in the world. I know the good ones. I know the bad ones. I know the overrated ones. Believe me, folks. This car runs and drives very, very well. Very, very well.

Really, this is incredible! A 34-year-old car in this condition. And under 50,000 original miles? Trust me, people, it was just professionally inspected by one of the good mechanics, and this car is in great shape. Unbelievable shape. You won’t get this anywhere else. Really, you won’t.

Let me tell you what else. The metal? It’s all original. Honestly folks, this really is pristine. But they don’t believe me. They call me a liar. A phony. They say, “But he’s a fraud, he won’t release the PMD documentation.” So what do I do? I release the PMD documentation. Big deal!

Seriously though people, listen — that car you’re driving is in big, big trouble. And it’s sad, really sad, but the American dream is dead. It’s dead! Your garage is a symbol of losing. It’s awful, really. It’s sad. Terrible. But if you buy this car, we can bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before. And together, we will make your garage great again!

This post was originally published on Philadelphia Craigslist’s “Cars & Trucks For Sale” page. I wrote it to help my friend sell her 1982 Trans Am. It got some traction across the internet, including this post on Bangshift – an automobile blog – which dubbed it “the best Craigslist listing ever.” Also, my friend sold her car.